The Sage of Rain City

He’s a vile, steaming piece of shit, a hateful Nazi-in-waiting. If there’s a hell, Donald Trump  will surely burn in it. And so will his rancid supporters, fake Christians who ranted and raved about a woman of color at a rally last night, gleefully spewing racist venom and bile: “Send her back! […]

I turn 60 on Monday, but I will greet this milestone with all the maturity of whining a 9-year-old. Aging gracefully is not for me. I protest. I resist. I crave eternal youth. I know my petulance is undignified, but I just can’t seem to help myself. Perhaps this first year of […]

I’m sorry, Mayor Pete. It’s all over between us. I’ve fallen for an older woman.  Just two weeks ago, you were my guy. I sent you money. I sent you my heart. I even learned how to pronounce your name. You won me with your youth, intelligence, and temperament. You were cool […]

It’s time to impeach the bastard. We all knew what a corrupt, incompetent, pathological, narcissistic liar he was. But now it’s all laid out in black and white by an impartial investigator who happens to be a lifelong Republican. There’s just no ignoring the mind-blowing malfeasance of our president any longer.  Bring […]

This was supposed to be a post about how I deleted all the Michael Jackson tunes from my music library. There’s not a shred of doubt that he was a deranged child molester. Keeping his music felt dirty. A purge was in order. Then a bunch of Jackson tunes popped up on […]

There’s a stranger in my basement. He’s watching Netflix and eating popcorn and laughing a little too loudly. I can’t ask him to leave. When he departs, I’ll have to make his bed and take out his trash. I will remove his stray pubic hairs from the toilet and the bed linens. […]

My trip to the Women’s Imaging department at the Swedish Hospital went as expected. They smushed my boob into an expensive medical device, snapped a picture of my swelling breast  and declared that I was just fine. The swelling to which I refer was produced by a layer of blubber unrelated to […]

  It’s true. I sent my mom 24 rolls of Presto Ultra-Soft toilet paper for Christmas. Gift-wrapped mega-rolls, to be precise. They’re plush and thick! I can think of only one explanation for this bizarre turn of events.  Blame it on Alexa. She’s always trying to put things in my Amazon cart. […]

I’m formulating my New Year’s resolutions early this year. This way, it might take a little longer before I fail to live up to them. So here goes: I’m going to be more open-minded. I’m going to be more tolerant. I’m going to be less critical. I will listen to other people’s […]

Today is a better day than yesterday. What seemed like a Blue Ripple now looks like the much-anticipated Blue Wave. When the 2018 election results started rolling in, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Three superb candidates were going down to defeat: Beto O’Rourke, Stacy Abrams, Andrew Gillum. I didn’t expect all of […]

It’s 4:40 a.m. Sleep is out of the question. Brett Kavanaugh — partisan hack, perjurer and attempted rapist — seems headed to the Supreme Court. I’ve already brewed a cup of coffee. And I’ve already called any senator who might conceivably tip the scales against this undeserving, self-entitled swine who thinks he’s […]

I’ve never been good at goodbyes, but I’ve got a big one coming today. We’re leaving my daughter at college. I’ve shed a lot of tears over the last few weeks as this transition approached. I’m shedding a few more now. Better to get them out before we say goodbye. It wouldn’t […]

Donald Trump would surely view Rima and Shekrallah Kenaan as a threat to America. The good people of Digby, Nova Scotia, view them as excellent friends and neighbors. I met this Syrian couple at a local farmer’s market in the tiny Canadian town where I migrate each summer for a vacation amongst […]

Donald Trump, our malignant narcissist-in-chief, is gushing about his bromance with Kim Jong Un, one of the world’s foremost violators of human rights, after their splashy reality TV summit in Singapore. This won’t end well. For Trump, their meeting has temporarily satisfied his boundless appetite for attention. But other than a luxurious […]

  This image of our pathologically narcissistic president will no doubt go down as one of the most widely viewed photographs in history. There he is, arms crossed, looking like he’s just transgressed in the sandbox. His stern and stupefied teacher, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, is scolding him. Perhaps she’s giving him […]

On the day Anthony Bourdain killed himself, I received a recruitment notice for a job with the U.S. Customs and Border Control agency.  Someone out there has a morbid sense of humor. Anthony Bourdain was a lot of wonderful things — funny, a great writer, a most engaging TV personality — but […]

Samantha Bee told the truth about Ivanka Trump: She is a cunt. Her dad’s a cunt, too, and her brother Donald Jr., of course. Grandpa Trump, the president’s daddy, who was once arrested at a KKK rally, is perhaps the mother of all Trump cunts.  Oh, and let’s not forget Jared Kushner. […]

I watched Stormy Daniels on 60 Minutes a few weeks ago. Today I watched her on PornHub. Please don’t tell anyone. There were so many offerings to choose from. Somehow the Stormy Daniels Cumshot Collection caught my eye. A brief exposure to this 20-minute marathon led to a simple conclusion: Donald Trump […]

It was a lousy seat, 25C. Last aisle in the plane, right next to the crapper. It didn’t recline. Still, it was a whole lot better than the middle seat on the other side of the aisle. That one shared all the aforementioned shortcomings, plus it was right next to an obese […]

Bye-bye, State Farm Starting Monday, I’ll have a boss for the first time in eight years. The good news is, he lives in another city and won’t be able to see when I’m goofing off. The bad news is, I’ll have one. No more lengthy trips to the gym. No more luxurious […]

American troops may soon be goose-stepping down Pennsylvania Avenue to pay homage to Dear Leader Trump, whose boundless narcissism requires nothing less than fervent displays of total devotion. Underneath all the bluster, our Dear Leader is pathetically insecure. Only the most outlandish displays of worship can reassure him that he’s actually the […]

My career has been in a mortifying tailspin since I left Vietnam eight years ago. It’s been a harrowing plunge into irrelevance. I left a glamorous life as a foreign correspondent to become a stay-at-home dad, failed novelist, and freelance writer and editor — in spite of the fact that I’m a […]

As my body sinks further and further into late-middle-aged rot, I’m spending more and more time at the gym, working furiously to halt the growth of my rapidly expanding man boobs. I don’t have a full-time office job — in fact, I don’t have a job at all — so I have […]

A Desperate President Itches For War You’re walking down the street and see a ranting lunatic with a semi-automatic. He approaches you, spewing epithets, and points the gun at your face. Do you: Turn around and run as fast as you can. Try to stay calm and reason with him. Punch him […]

I didn’t watch. I couldn’t watch. I know it’s my civic duty to listen to the president’s annual State of the Union speech. I should have tuned in last night. I watched the Timberwolves game instead. I can’t stand the sight of the ogre who has taken our country hostage and threatens […]

My dad was an unrepentant Freudian shrink. He had a classic psychiatrist’s couch and kept a bust of Sigmund on top of the grand piano in our living room. He talked a lot about the Oedipus Complex. Interpreting dreams was one of his specialties. Even the most unqualified layman wouldn’t need his […]

Racist, racist, racist. Scumbag racist. Shithole shithead racist pig motherfucker. It’s been clear for a very long time that Donald Trump was a vile racist. What other variety of scumbag would insist that Barack Obama was a Muslim born in Kenya? Only today — after his disgusting assertions about Haitians and Africans […]

Someone’s Going To Beat The Shit Out Of Me Soon I went to the gym today, seeking relief from the relentless Orwellian nightmare that is life under Trump. I like to swim, and the place has a pool. I go despite the fact that I seem to have developed a peculiar allergy […]

An Excerpt From The Obamanator A Chronicle of My Adventures In The 2012 Campaign Dear Mr. President, I almost punched a Republican in the nose this morning. He was a repugnant motherfucker, sir, and I really wanted to deck him. It all started when I gave Emelda Jamarron a ride to the […]

  (An excerpt from my old Obamanator blog) The Obamanator has temporarily relocated to Florida to get out the vote for Barack. I’m working in an African-American neighborhood called Newtown, on the north side of Sarasota. In these last days of the campaign, it’s door-knocking time. The Obama field organization – a […]

(An Excerpt from my old Obamanator blog) A Chronicle of My Adventures In The 2012 Campaign I’m searching for Aerjordan. That’s his legal name. It says so right here on this voter registration printout. The Obama campaign has sliced and diced all kinds of data and made zillions of phone calls to […]

BEN STOCKING HAS A HOLE IN HIS HEAD PART I, A CHRONICLE OF MY BRAIN SURGERY Let me tell you about the hole in my head, and the peculiar cranium it exposed. The opening – freshly cut – is just behind my right ear. Shaped like an inverted crescent moon, it stretches […]

BEN STOCKING HAS A HOLE IN HIS HEAD, PART XIV A CHRONICLE OF MY BRAIN SURGERY I’ve sprung a leak. My cerebrospinal fluid — the stuff one’s brain floats in — is oozing into places it’s not supposed to go. My dura, the protective membrane that seals off the skull and the […]

BEN STOCKING HAS A HOLE IN HIS HEAD PART XV, A CHRONICLE OF MY BRAIN SURGERY I’ve got another hole in my head. It’s a small one this time. Dr. Gwinn made it with a syringe rather than a drill. It only penetrates my scalp, not my skull. As we discussed yesterday, […]

BEN STOCKING HAS A HOLE IN HIS HEAD, PART XXIII A CHRONICLE OF MY BRAIN SURGERY Drip, drip, drip. Drip, drip, drip. As you may recall, Dear Reader, that was the sound of the fluid leaking from my brain. Drip, drip, drip. I’m pleased to report, the leaking has stopped. I’m no […]