The New Me

I’m formulating my New Year’s resolutions early this year. This way, it might take a little longer before I fail to live up to them.

So here goes:

I’m going to be more open-minded. I’m going to be more tolerant. I’m going to be less critical.

I will listen to other people’s arguments, empathize with their point of view. (Unless they are apologists for Trump.)

Even though I’m nearly always right about nearly everything, I won’t say so out loud. I will stop consulting Google during dinner parties to verify that I’m right and you’re wrong. I won’t point out that these online consultations almost always affirm my glorious rightness.

I will be soft and gentle, never strident. I will nod politely while you share whatever inanity happens to spring from your lips. I will smile and commend you for your insight.

“That’s very interesting,” I will say. “I never thought of that before.”

It’s the new me.

Instead of focusing on other people’s shortcomings — there are so many to consider! — I will focus on my own. 

After all, there are many of those, too.


  1. Anthony measham says:

    Another huge winner, Ben. Hilarious. And, best of all, it’s a set of resolutions we should all live up to. Let me be one of the first to join! Well done!

  2. Jen Schradie says:

    Your humility and generosity are truly inspiring.

  3. Lila Stocking says:

    Hahahaha. This was the funniest thing to wake up to.

  4. Nick Stocking says:

    Freudian slip but you left out the “be” when you claimed, “I’m going to [sic] open-minded.” You never make such errors. LOL.

  5. Nick Stocking says:

    “I’m not going to snap off a photo of my brother for the sole purpose of circulating it, asking how old he looks in order to convince him he does, indeed, look his age.”

  6. Stuart Leavenworth says:

    I think you should make a resolution to go back to Spain.

  7. Richard says:

    So mellowed with age! My resolution is not to be jealous of your Instagram photography.

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